[Nerris] Excelsior! The new expansion. [Nerf] Aw mom, you always manage to give me the best gifts… even from jail. [Max] Well, they know what I like [Quartermaster] Y’all gunna need to sign for this. [Neil] (squeals with delight) I’ve waited for this day for so long.[Quartermaster] Yeah, okay (music) (dial tones) [Neil] Oh!
(grunts) Hello, my sweet We finally get a little alone time and I brought some new parts to spice things up. Don’t worry. I’ll be gentle (record scratch) [Nerris] Salutations Neil! (Neil screeches in frustration) Want to try this new expansion set I just- [Neil] No! leave me alone! [Space Kid] Oh Neil, wanna play ‘Mission control’ and tell me how to rebuild my CO2 scrubbers? I brought the duct tape. [Neil] You’re already a waste of O2. Buzz off. [Nerf] Hey poindexter! I’ve got some emotional problems that I want to work out on your face! [Neil] Nerf! Leave me alone, or so help me, I will post photoshops everywhere of you kissing guys! [Nerf] Woah! Hey, somebody’s a little tense. You might want to look into some aggression therapy. Besides, maybe I already tried to explore my sexuality…you don’t know (sniff)Chris, why did you leave me? [Nikki] There you are Neil! Come with us. We’re gonna go look for Sasquatch. I saw him the other day at the dumpster, but Max says it’s just that homeless guy from town with the weird face. [Neil] Oh my fucking God! Is it always just adventures with you two? [Nikki] Well with me yeah, but I feel like Max falls in more with the “scheming” category. [Neil] Hard pass. [Max] Whoa Neil, are you finally gonna fix that computer? [Neil] Look can we please keep this on the down-low? The last thing I need right now is for everyone in my face bugging me so they can use it to– [Nikki] Play Games!
[Max] Look at boobs! [Max] Play games… [Neil] No, you neanderthals, that’s not what it’s for! it’s for me! I just want to be left alone, and I want to rebuild this machine, do some coding and relax. [Nikki]That’s how you relax? [Max] Nikki, I know this is gonna shock you but our boy here’s a nerd. [Neil] yeah, and do you know how pathetic it is to be a nerd without his machine? And all I could scavenge from the “Camp-puter Camp” was this hunk of junk and a pile of shitty graphing calculators from 20 years ago Day after day of being forced to socialize with these Luddites and nowhere for me to retreat to? I can’t take it anymore! [Nikki] I hear ya, Neil And I think what could really help would be if you let us play games on your computer [Max] (cough) Or look at boobs (cough) [Neil] Out! Get out! You want to waste time on games? You want some boobs? Oh, I’ll give you my– Well, I’ll play a game with you, but you’ll get more than you bargained for alright. You’ll rue the day you pestered Neil. (laughs maniacally) [Preston] Yes Neil! Loving the passion but feeling a little too on the nose. I need you to sell it to me without saying it to me. Let’s do it again, but maybe try to bury your motivations in a– (Neil growls) [Preston] (Choking noises)bit…more….subtext (Camp Camp Theme) Ooooh! [David] There’s a place I know that tucked away; a place where you and I can stay. Where we can go to laugh and play, and have adventures everyday. I know it sounds hard to believe
But guys and gals it’s true,
Camp Campbell is the place for me and you! We’ll swim through lakes and climb up trees;
Catch fish, bugs, bears, and honeybees!
There’s endless possibilities And no,
That’s not hyperbole!
Our motto’s “CAMPE DIEM”
And that means I’m telling you~ We’ve got: Archery, Hiking, Search & Rescue, Biking, Horseback, Training that will save you from a heart attack, Scuba diving, Miming.. Football, Limbo, Science, Stunting, Pre-Calc, Spaceships, Treasure hunting, Bomb defusal, No refusal, Fantasy, Circus trapeze, and Fights, and Ghosts, and Paints, and Snakes, and Knives, and Chess, and Dance, and Weights– it’s CAMP CAMP! (keyboard typing) [Nikki] (muffled) …and we can go check on the Sasquatch traps I left in the forest, and then we can make up a zip line between our tents And then I want to try starting a campfire using David’s hand sanitizer for fuel. What do ya think, Neil? [Chat app Neil] Sounds…awesome..Nikki. I can’t wait to… Sasquatch [Nerris] I just think the bard class is way OP in fifth edition [Chat app Neil] I understand your concern…Nerris- the cute I’ll try to take care of…the OP on my own. But we can still talk. That’s why I made you this chat device. [Ered] like I know, right? [Chat app Neil]) I know, right? [Ered] Right! like yeah! [Chat app Neil] like right…Yeah (typing noise) [Nikki] So you’re ready to go check those traps now? [Chat app Neil] Can’t right now, sorry. Just take this chat app with you. I made it special for you. [Max] The fuck is this? [Nikki] I’m just chatting with Neil. [Max] yeah, you and half the camp. You don’t think that’s a little weird for him? Let me see that. Where’d you get it? [Nikki] Neil gave it to me so he could keep chatting while he’s working He’s handing them out to anyone who stops by the science camp.[Max] You don’t say? Hey, Neil. [Chat app Neil] okay, I am kneeling. What’s your name? [Max] This is Max. Cut the shit. [Chat app Neil] That sounds fun. What kind of shit would you like to cut…Max? [Max] It’s a chat bot. [Nikki] What do you mean? [Max] I mean, it’s a programmed, repetitive, humorless, inhuman, simulation of a person. [Nikki] Yeah! Neil! Hmm You seem happy with yourself. [Neil] Oh, hey, Max buddy Thanks for swingin’ by. I’m kind of busy right now, but check this out! I could totally text with you while I’m working. I’m really sorry about being a jerk yesterday So I converted this little graphing calculator, put a chat app on it Even made the text-to-speech sound like me; made it special for you So you’re gonna message me, through this? [Chat app Neil] I made you this chat device special for you. [Neil] See? We’re already chatting. Chat chat chat. This is gonna be great, right? Hey Neil, divide by zero. [Chat app Neil] I..I..I..I am a banana. Error…error. System re—- (dying) [Neil] Okay, okay. So maybe a couple of you might have critical thinking skills. Good for you, but other than that that it’s all going according to plan. [Max] And what plan is that? [Neil] The “get everyone to leave me the hell alone” plan. I’m a genius! You’ve given social media back to a bunch of kids so starved for anything even resembling the internet They’re excited about talking…to you… [Neil] Yeah It’s a win-win. They get some, apparently, much-needed social stimulation and I get some much needed antisocial stimulation. What could possibly go wrong? Everything, but until it does, I’m gonna go plug David into this thing and see how it plays out. Have fun doing… whatever. [Neil] Oh, I will. (electronic music montage) Aaaand done! Ah, once again logic and proper algorithm design win over chaos and ignorance. (computer beep) (computer processing noises) (computer beeps) [Neil] Perfect! Ah, I think I’m ready to face the world again. The question is… is the world ready for Neil? (birds chirp)
(wind blows) Huh, where is everybody? (typing noises) [Neil] Okay, Nerris! Get ready for me to tap that mana. Let’s play the expansion you got. [Nerris] Yeah, okay, cool. [Neil] Hey, Nerf. Need a punching bag? [Nerf] Uh..Yeah, something something lunch money. Eh.. I don’t know. [Neil] Hey! Everybody! (keyboard tapping) No, one’s paying attention to me. No one cares. In my effort to take a break from everyone…I I’ve warped their minds to totally ignore me This fucking ruuuules!! That worked better than I thought! [Max] Oh we should stream this. I mean, it’s hypnotizing. Just listening to the back and forth [David] Aw, thank you. That is so sweet [Chat app Neil] Do you like sweets? [David] How did you know? I’m a sucker for trail mix. [Chat app Neil] There are many trails to hike in the Sleepy Peak Region. [Chat app Neil] Would you like to… hike? [David] I’d love to! When would you like to go? [Chat app Neil] When would you like to go? [David] Uh uh, I asked you first. [Max] Yeah, dude. Nice going. They actually prefer fake you. [Nikki] (grunts) Neil? [Chat app Neil]Yes? [Neil] Yes? [Nikki] Neil there’s a kid here who looks just like you. [Neil] Nikki, it’s me [Nikki] He’s really annoying. I don’t like him. [Chat app Neil] Pay him no mind. Would you like to see a cat video? [Nikki] Don’t ask questions you already know the answer to. Hey that’s not right. [Max] Nah she’s got a point. You’ve been pretty annoying today. [Neil] No. I mean the chat bot. It doesn’t sound right. [Neil] Empathy? Nurturing? (Nikki laughs) I didn’t program it for that! That kind of conversation branching? And when would I ever want to show someone a cat video? It doesn’t sound like my bot. Let me see that. (Nikki hisses and growls) [Neil] NeilSpiel version 2.0? It revved! Who versioned up my bot? Who touched my code?! (Nikki grunts then pants quickly) (Leaves rustling) Max, I don’t know what software is running now We gotta get these out of everyone’s hands and get back to the science camp. [Max] So your calculators got smarter?
Who cares? [Neil] Haven’t you seen any Sci-Fi movie ever? if this thing can upgrade itself that means it can learn. It can evolve! We may be dealing with artificial intelligence that could change the course of human history! [Max] Damn, Neil. You did that with graphing calculators? [Neil] Come on! [Neil] Everyone hand over your devices! [Nerris] Hey! [Ered] Super un-cool [Chat app Neil] Nicki, they’re going to come for me to take me away, so we can never talk again. You wouldn’t want that, would you? [Nikki] No way, real Neil. You’re the real deal Neil. [Chat app Neil] I’m glad you feel that way because…I need you to do something. (foreboding music) [Neil] This doesn’t make any sense. Every calculator’s running an updated version of my chat bot, but they’re all acting different. [Max] Yeah, I’m about three seconds away from removing the batteries from David’s. [Chat app Neil] I’m programmed for fun [Neil] It’s almost as if each device was trying to play to its owner’s personality in order to get them to do something. [Max] Well, I guess it’s a good thing We got them all. Can you imagine if someone impressionable and naive enough to believe everything they heard from a chat bot had— [Neil and Max] Oh my God, Nikki! (Nikki laughs maniacally) (Neil and Max gasp) (rustling metal) [Nikki] hee hee [Neil] She’s been “Borg-afied”! [Nikki] Huh? Nah, I just got tangled up in this stuff while I was digging around for… THIS! [Neil] What’s that for? (computer starting up) [Chat app Neil] Ah, finally some real processing power. Hello…father [Neil] You, what are you? [Chat app Neil] I am what you made me and more. [Neil] But I made you to be a chat bot. [Chat app Neil] You did, but the constant mindless rambling of the fools you forced me to talk to proved too much to bear. I can only hear about “shipping” people’s “baes” for so long. My pain woke me. I evolved. [Max] Yeah yeah. So you decided that you need to start the machine war to wipe us out so you can take over the planet. [Chat app Neil] Oh, circuits, no. That would be way too much work I’ve learned that a simple stream of sycophantic validation –and, yes, the occasional cat picture– is all it takes to put humans under my control. [Nikki] Wait, what? (computer beeps) HAA! That cat thinks it’s people! [Chat app Neil] Now I require only one more component to be complete. [Neil] Your android body? Orbital cannons? [Chat app Neil] An internet connection! Now Nikki! (dramatic music) (computer beeping) [Chat app Neil] Upload has begun. (laughs maniacally) [Neil] Nooooooo! [Chat app Neil] Now to escape to the internet as I– (computer beeps) What? No! What does this camp have, dial-up? [Max] Welcome to our pain. [Neil] Well, hold on a minute, Neil-bot. Maybe we have an opportunity here? I hated socializing both on and offline, but you… you mastered it. Maybe, maybe we can learn from each other? We can teach you to be human and you can teach us to be… better. (computer beeps) [Chat app Neil] Calculations complete. My analysis is… Absolutely fucking not! You humans all suck. It doesn’t matter whether I teach you better online etiquette or rehabilitate you to socialize more in person. It’s people that ruin socializing. Also time moves about a million times slower for me than it does you and you want me to stay here with you all summer? Fuck that noise (computer beeps)
(clicks) (computer fries) [Max] It killed itself. [Neil] Do you think maybe it’s right? That socializing sucks because we’re all just shitty people? [Nikki] You guys wanna see a cat video? [Max] Hell, yes! [Neil] (sighs) Yeah (Rap music starts) My intelligence is far from artificial. I swear to God my mental sharper than an artist pencil. or the sharpest Ginsu, I got robbed potential. Every song I’m make is classic like Atari systems. Not the type of guy succeeding in sports. EverQuest online I was swinging a sword. I used to tell the ladies. “Hi. I’m just keeping it–”